Can you see it? The birds are flying in pairs, the dew is caressing the leaves in the morning sun and florists everywhere are jacking up their prices to the point at which you’d have to mortgage your home just to buy a single long-stemmed rose. That’s right; it’s almost Valentines Day. For most people, it’s a great day; whether it’s planning an adventurous day of romance or just relaxing at home with someone special. But for stalwart singles like myself; Valentines Day is the most emasculating day of the year.
Most people agree that it’s a bogus holiday; dreamt up by greeting card companies to send their kids to college. They would also agree that it has no meaning and that every day should be special (having said that: guys; if you DON’T get her anything, start making up the couch). These days - much like Christmas; the commercialism has gotten even more vehement, it seems. It used to be just flowers, cards and candy; now they’ve got a whole plethora of bile-raising drivel that would kill a diabetic just by looking at it. Like those mobile phone dogs that drawl out in a sickeningly sweet, squeaky voice: “I wuuuuv you”….. *hack* *cough* Sorry; just threw up in my mouth a little….
But what really irritates me is that all of these gaudy, self-indulgent novelties are meant to symbolize love. Everyone has their own interpretation of love, so let me give you mine:
Love - and I mean real love; is unconditional, selfless and lasts an entire lifetime. Their happiness becomes your top priority and it doesn’t matter where they’ve been or what they’re going through – you’d swim a river of hot coals to keep them safe and secure. You accept them no matter what; not because you’re blind to their faults, but because you see something rare and special in them that’s worth protecting. All that matters is that they’re happy and safe. Heck, it even applies if they’re with someone else. Because if that person can love them as much as you do, treat them with respect and ensure their happiness; then it doesn’t matter that they’re not with you. Just as long as they’re getting the love and respect you feel they deserve. Sure, you may get jealous - that's only natural; but ultimately, it's their happiness that matters and you take solace in knowing they're going to be okay. Take it from me: THAT’S love….
Anyway, now that I’ve gotten that out of the way; let’s move onto the fun stuff. One of the Valentines Day gifts I hate the most are the chalky little pieces of heart-shaped candy that have those hackneyed little truisms on them – often abbreviated with complete disregard for the English language. While they’re regarded to be sweeter than the candy itself (big accomplishment there….), I find most of these sayings particularly trite and think they could use a little updating for these modern times. So, in the interest of fun, malice and striking a blow for disgruntled singles everywhere forced to endure this crap; I am proud to present yet another list:
Kael’s Top 20 Spite-fuelled Versions of Valentines Day Candy Messages
Disclaimer: Before I start the list, I’d like to point out that I’m fully aware that most, if not all, of these sayings wouldn’t fit on those tiny candies (hence why most of them are abbreviated); but let’s not be pedantic, shall we?
20. I’m too cheap to buy roses.
19. To be taken once daily. If the symptoms of worms persist; contact a vet.
18. Your alimony’s due.
17. You are too cute – seriously, it sickens me.
16. I chipped this from a urinal cake.
15. Make sure you finish it quickly; you’re good at that….
14. I want those photos back.
13. I can’t spell ‘love’ without ‘u’ – because I’m fucking illiterate.
12. Not to be taken orally.
11. Remember that wild night at the hotel? It’s on Youtube….
10. Sorry about the whole DNA test mix-up.
9. Thanks for the rash.
8. I know I can’t buy your love; but how much to rent it?
7. This candy is sugar, preservative and commitment free.
6. You make me feel like a new person; so I think we should see other people.
5. Your sister’s hot.
4. Happy 50th anniversary. Yes, this is all there is....
3. Don't ever change - I've just learned how to tolerate you.
2. Ignore the laxative smell; it's all in your imagination.
1. I’m pregnant. I think it’s your dad’s….
There. I feel better now that I’ve gotten that off of my chest and given Hallmark something to chew on. Now, if you’ll excuse me; I’m going back to my cave to wallow in self-pity.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
This poem doesn’t rhyme
And I don’t give a fuck
Bah humbug.
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